Survivor of Attempted Suicide: My Experience with "13 Reasons Why"

Survivor of Attempted Suicide: My Experience with 13 Reasons Why

*Contains graphic content, possible triggers, and possible spoilers for 13 Reasons Why.*

It’s 2:34 a.m. I’m exhausted.

I’m nauseous.

I can’t sleep. I won’t sleep.

I’ve been here before, hundreds of times. Those times were a lifetime ago; weren’t they? I’m past this; aren’t I? That’s episodes past. Episodes consumed by painful battles in the night; the moon, the lonely darkness, the emptiness, the tears, the razor blades, the release, the blood, the scars, the pills, the bleach: my attempt at suicide.  

It’s true…

I attempted suicide. I failed.

For months, I contemplated trying again. I didn’t. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t muster that level of courage ever again. The insane courage it took that night, I could never collect it again. I’m grateful for that. If you haven’t ever reached that place, never had that moment, you are lucky. Without reaching that place, that moment, it is impossible for you to fathom the courage it takes to do what many people consider the weakest thing someone could ever do. Despite the courage, it’s heartbreaking. Suicide is tragic.

It’s 2:51 a.m., and I’m still nauseous. I’m still exhausted. I still can’t sleep.

I just finished an episode; Episode 13. Tape 7, Side A of 13 Reasons Why. An episode that completely and utterly rocked me to my very core, stretching and shaking every fiber of my being; brutally shredding every carefully constructed barrier I had created in my own desperate attempt to protect my soul, and to forget my own attempt at suicide. The graphic depiction of the beautiful, depressed Hannah Baker, ending her own life is truly haunting. I believe the scene would be hauntingly poignant for anyone, but for those of us who have been there, the realistic rawness of her suicide is unshakable. I will never forget what I just witnessed; dramatization or not. I sobbed, hard; harder than I have in over a decade. I cringed. I turned away. I closed my eyes as tight as I could. I held back vomit.

Why?

The answer is simple. Hannah Baker’s fictional suicide was far too real. It wasn’t insinuated or sugar-coated. It was graphically shown. I will always remember the look in her eyes; those hauntingly tortured eyes. I’ve seen those before. I will forever remember her unnerving resolve to do absolutely the hardest thing she ever did. I won’t be able to forget the sounds of her labored breathing, the slicing of her delicate skin, her cries of pain, and her hyperventilating. I’ve seen this before too. Followed by her slow, painful restoration of her composure, just to complete it all again. Then, there’s the horrible calming release; the release of it being done.

Final.

Damn those beautiful, devoid, hauntingly tragic eyes of Hannah Baker. Those devastatingly empty eyes.

This scene took many of us, including me, back to a place that we’ve tried to bury, to hide deep in some forgotten holes in the darkest corners of our souls.

It’s 3:26 a.m., and I am still nauseous. I’m still awake, wrestling with my thoughts, my feelings, my anger, my burden.

You see…

I’ve been there.

The razor blades.

The cutting.

My blood.

The wanting to die. The finality of it all.

I’ve been there. I’ve had those eyes. I’ve heard those sounds come from my own body.

For me, 13 Reasons Why was as refreshing, as it was devastating, in the same moment. The images of Hannah Baker’s suicide shook me to such a profoundly deep level. I was forced to focus on me; on what I had done, why I had done it, and the impact my actions had on every one I had ever known.

Have you ever carried a burden so unbelievably heavy that you never realized just how heavy it was?

I have.

I know that now, more than ever, thanks to 13 Reasons Why. My suicide attempt was over 12 years ago. Since then, I have spent time in a rehabilitation center, attended counseling sessions, took anti-depressants, contemplated attempting again, stopped taking anti-depressants, and fought to survive. I’ve cut myself, abused pills, and hurt those people closest to me. I’ve written a book about my struggles; Life with Ziggy: A Boy, A Dog, & A Life Saved. I’ve spoken to thousands of kids and adults about suicide; sharing my story hundreds of times through The Ziggy Project. I have a semi-colon tattoo. I got married to the most beautiful woman in the world, have three gorgeous children with her, moved to the middle of nowhere, and work in juvenile corrections. I’ve been hated, and I’ve been loved beyond levels I could ever comprehend.

My first attempt at sharing my story.

For me, for some strange reason, 13 Reasons Why impacted me harder than probably anything ever has. It made me remember my pain. It graphically placed me back in the hardest moments of my life. It placed me back at the night where I used a razor blade to cut myself, as I contemplated ending it all. It took me back to the night I took over 200 pills and almost died. It took me to those places I buried. With every star on her map, I was taken to a moment on my journey.

The finality of her decision was so distressing because it brought my biggest fear from 2005 to the forefront of my senses.

In that final episode, Hannah Baker’s lifeless body is found by her mother in the bathtub of their home. During my suicide attempt in 2005, my biggest fear wasn’t death. My biggest fear wasn’t the finality of it all. My biggest fear was the thought of my parents finding me, cleaning up after me, and dealing with the aftermath of my suicide. I will forever be haunted by the screams of Hannah Baker’s mother, the looks on the faces of her parents, and the everlasting impact of her actions.

For me, my reaction to Hannah Baker’s suicide reminded me of the burden I have carried for the past dozen years. It’s a burden of guilt, despair, regret, and pain.

To my mother, I do not have the words, and I may never have the words to express how sorry I am. But, I need you to know, I’m sorry. You love, and have loved me, unconditionally. I’m so grateful for that. I’m so unbelievably remorseful for the position I put you in. You deserved more, and I try every day to be the son that you deserve. I strive to make sense of the things I did, to use them in a positive way, in an effort to make just a small portion of that pain worthwhile.

To my father, I will never be able to say sorry enough. To find me in that state is something that will never go away, and I never really thought about how it may have affected you. I need you to know that I am sorry. You never should have had to experience those moments; moments that I forced upon you.

To my brother and sister, I’ve never really expressed my love and gratitude for each of you. I love you both, and I am so sorry.

To Meagan, you know more than anyone. Your head and heart have been the resting places for the deepest, darkest pieces of me. The burden I carry is exponentially lighter because of you. With that though, your burden has increased ten-fold. I’m so incredibly and overwhelmingly sorry for the position I put you in. You are my Clay, but I was lucky enough to be saved by you. I am lucky enough to have you as part of me forever. I am indebted to you, and I always will be. Forever. I will spend my life loving you, hard as I can, because I almost lost the ability to love you at all. When I couldn’t love myself, you loved me. Thank you, Meagan. Thank you for loving me.

These are burdens that I have carried for a dozen years. The amount of overwhelming regret and pain because of that night in January of 2005 will never leave me.

Never.

You see, my attempt at suicide is a part of me, and it always will be. I will never forget it. I will never fully bury it. I will never forgive myself. I will just learn to live; day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second, fighting for every single one.

13 Reasons Why reminded me of this, and I am grateful for that. While it is painful, watching it made me realize how deep of a burden I carry, and how dangerous it is to just bury that regret and pain. Thank you for making my struggle with suicide real. Thank you for making it raw and ugly and horrible, because that is exactly what it is.

It's 4:23 a.m. now, and I'll never be the same.

Justin Barrow

************************************************************************

My Additional Thoughts and Opinions

According to many bloggers, mental health professionals, suicide awareness groups, they’ve warned against watching 13 Reasons Why. Many have argued that the show is irresponsible; that it glorifies suicide, that it promotes blaming others for one’s own choice to end his/her life, that it doesn’t discuss mental illness, and that it is too graphic. To them, I have this response:

13 Reasons Why is difficult to watch, and it fucking should be. As a society, if we are comfortable watching a teenage girl get bullied by classmates, get taken advantage of by peers, get slut shamed because of false rumors, get sexual assaulted in the halls of school, get raped by a boy she knew, and commit suicide by slashing her wrists with a razor blade in her bathtub, then fuck that society. Period. End of story.

The episodes of 13 Reasons Why should mess with your emotions. They should infuriate you. They should dishearten you. They should worry you. That is the intent, and in my opinion, it is needed. The team behind the 13 Reasons Why showed steadfast resolve in their efforts to make a social commentary that should be consumed by the public (by those who can handle it). Reality is: human beings are horrible to one another, depressed people often lose their ability to think logically, and suicide happens. It happens, and it is ugly. It is horrible. It is devastating. And, as a society, we want to tidy it up. We want to sweep it under a rug and hope it goes away. It won’t. It will not go away.

Watching scenes of 13 Reasons Why won’t allow that to happen.

America’s schools are filled with bullying and sexual abuse. Social media is filled with harassment. In the words of Macklemore, hate is spread “behind the keys of a message board.” It is time we talked about these issues in real and raw terms.

Did you know that one in four girls will suffer sexual abuse by the age of sixteen?

Let me remind you; sexual abuse differs from rape. It is the undesired sexual behavior by one person upon another. Almost every woman I have ever known has been sexual abused at some point in time; many of them at school by a classmate. Many of them have been sexual abused, over and over again. Abused by boys who think it is innocent and harmless. You were in high school, you know this happens daily. I know it did at mine.

Did you know that approximately 48% of all rapes involve a female victim under the age of eighteen?

Staggering. Tragic.

Do you know how often suicide occurs? The national rate is approximately 13 deaths per 100,000 people. In 2014, there were over 42,700 deaths by suicide in America. The second leading cause of death for American youth aged 10 to 14 is suicide. The third leading cause of death for America youth aged 15 to 24 is suicide.

Truly devastating.

There is help for thoughts about suicide. Please reach out to someone if you are struggling. You are not alone. Help can be just a phone call away.

This discussion needs to happen and 13 Reasons Why pushes the discussion in the right direction.

*13 Reasons Why can be a trigger, and anyone who is suffering from depression/suicidal ideation, has suffered from depression/suicidal ideation, has had someone suffer from depression/suicidal ideation, or had someone attempt or complete a suicide needs to be aware of that. Proceed with caution, but 13 Reasons Why is important and impactful, at least, it was for me.